The Official Joke Thread

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The Official Joke Thread

Post  turntablist on Mon Jun 29, 2009 9:36 am

The weather is bad, I'm at work, I need cheering up, let's post some of our favourite jokes and lighten the mood. Smile

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'
'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on.

'You've got £9,000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

'We're having a new kitchen.'

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post  Pidge on Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:08 am

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"..... The husband couldn't believe his luck so he looked up, smiled and said "That would suit me just fine!!" Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye...

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post  obie on Thu Jul 02, 2009 7:46 am

What's big, grey, and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post  turntablist on Thu Jul 02, 2009 8:01 am

It seems we're bringing out the gold Wink


Farmer Giles went to town to see a film
The Ticket Man Asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The Old Farmer Said, "That's Chas moy pet rooster moy luv. Wherever I go's,
Chas go's.

"Well, I'm Sorry Sir," said the Ticket Man. "We can't allow animals in the
theatre."

The Old Farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down
his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered
the theatre.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred And Marge.

The film started and the rooster began to squirm. The Old Farmer
unbuttoned his fly so that Chas could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge!," whispered Mildred.

"What?!" said Marge.

"i think the old bloke next to me is a pervert!."

"What makes you think that?" asked Marge.

"Well, he undid his trousers and he has his thing out!", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", replied Marge. "Bloody Hell, at our age, we've
seen 'em all".

"I thought so too", said Mildred, "But this one's eatin' my popcorn"

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post  obie on Sun Jul 05, 2009 6:57 pm

Hahah not bad...

Okay, there's a bloke who's a bit worried about his chicken. Been acting a bit lifeless lately, so he takes it to the vet to get it checked out. Brings it in to the operating room, the vet has a look at it. Listens to it, puts the stethoscope on it, then looks glum.

He turns to the bloke and says "I'm sorry mate, but your chook's dead."

The lad can't believe this. "Nah, no way, that can't be right. I want a second opinion."

The vet raises his eyebrows but indulges the bloke. He goes out, then comes back with a cat. He puts it up on the table with the chicken. The cat sniffs the chook, pats at it with its paw, but ultimately turns to the vet, shakes its head and goes "meowwww..."

The vet says "Yeah, sorry mate, it's definitely dead."

The bloke still won't accept it. "This is bulls**t," he says, getting angry. "He's not dead, I want a third opinion!"

The vet is a bit taken aback, but goes away again and this time comes back with a Labrador. He puts it up on the table. The Labrador sniffs the chicken, nudges it with his snout but turns around with a glum look on his face and whimpers softly, shaking its head.

The vet says to the guy "Sorry mate, there's no two ways about it - your chook is dead."

The bloke looks beaten, finally accepting the truth. A tear rolls down his cheek as he asks for the bill.

"£170 please." Says the vet. The bloke is shocked.

"£170?! To tell me my f***ing chook is dead? How do you work that out?!"

"Well," says the vet, "it would've only been £20, but that was before the cat scan and the lab test."

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post  Pidge on Tue Jul 07, 2009 9:17 am

Genius.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post  obie on Fri Jul 10, 2009 2:32 pm

What's the difference between Australia and a carton of milk?

If you leave a carton of milk in the sun for a couple of weeks it develops a culture.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post  obie on Tue Jul 14, 2009 5:01 pm

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

For the drizzle.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

Post  obie on Tue Jul 14, 2009 5:01 pm

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre.

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Re: The Official Joke Thread

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